A new start

I have left this blog untouched for so long. I am sure that if it were capable, it would have sat gathering an inch of dust while it went through the 5 stages of grief to finally realize that it would be happier going away and finding another young stay-at-home mom to give it the loving care every blog deserves.  Luckily for me, it's still here waiting.  What a loyal bunch of 1's and 0's!

The point and purpose of this blog was lost to me when I first started it 3 years ago.  I was scared of it in fact.  I tip-toed around the idea of writing anything too personal, but cringed at the idea of writing about anything more mundane.  I had so many ideas, but too little gumption.

But now I realize.  What the Hay!  It's my blog.  I'll write about anything I darn well please.  And why not?  so here it goes,,,,

I am a very spiritual person.  I feel that is important for anyone to know who expects to understand where I am coming from with my writing.  Raised LDS (or Mormon) I never really found it necessary to doubt anything that I had so easily come to feel was true about God and my role in this world in relation to Him.  I went through a period of intense depression for several years that gave me a lot of perspective, however, I always had a spiritual support.  A special sort of confidence in the what I feel so clearly.  It's something that I could never just forget about.  So much of what I share is based in this belief system.  So for my readers, whether you're atheist, agnostic, or whatever, I just want you to know that about me.

Ok.  cool.  let's get started!

The Continuing Saga of Kyler and Becky

This is the first installment of the story of Kyler and Becky.  I will share with you my perspective of the events of our meeting, and the continuous adventure of our life together.

I begin this story with a decision.  Personal decisions determine the quality of our experiences, and give life to our life stories. My decision was one based on faith. One that doesn't "make sense" in the logic of the opinions of the world, but to me, matched perfectly with the way I thought and felt about the world and the universe.  I made up my mind to go to Cedar City, Utah to attend a tiny unaccredited college called George Wythe University.

Southern Utah had already won a special place in my heart after the summer I worked at a resort on the east side of Zion national park before I left on my mission.  It might be funny to some people to hear me say that I felt drawn to go back.  but that is exactly what I felt.  There are few places on earth that stir in me such strong sentimental feelings of home.  The flat lands of Iowa, the potato fields of southeast Idaho, and the majestic varieties of scenic wonder that is Southern Utah.

A fateful choice that led to my meeting Kyler. Sunday, July 24th, 2011.

I was in the family history center during sunday school, trying to figure out what indexing was all about.  When at the doorway you-know-who appeared.  He looked good, in a nice tailored suit with a pin-stripe vest.  Tall, handsome, and with brown hair in what I now know as a military "high 'n tight".  He told the sister-in-charge that he was new to genealogy and would like to learn more about it.  After the meetings he saw me in the halls and approached to ask me if I wouldn't mind helping make an investigator feel more welcome, saying that it never hurts a guy to meet a pretty girl at church.  I said I would be glad to help since I had served a mission I was experienced with the concerns of most investigators (though I used a different approach back then).

and he added smoothly "oh, and I'll be needing your phone number too."

Things with the investigator didn't pan out, however things with Kyler progressed fairly quickly after that.  He texted me only a couple hours later, and we met up at the fireside later that evening.  After the fireside we wandered around the halls and talked.  He had a meeting with his bishop and for some reason I felt I needed to stick around, though I wasn't sure why,  I had just met this man a few hours ago, but it felt entirely natural to treat the situation like I had known him all my life.  I met his bishop and we continued to talk and get to know each other for hours.  Kyler had to head back that night to where he was stationed at the Marine Corps base in 29 palms, California, and he wanted to spend time with me before he had to leave.

I learned that he had come to Utah for his Grandmother's funeral and had had a tremendous spiritual experience through which he was prompted to come back to the church.  He spent two weeks practically living the life of a missionary while he was on leave.  And wanted to make a complete repentance of his past mistakes (hence the meeting with his bishop).  We talked and talked, and continued to talk on the phone as he drove back to base.

We made plans to go on a real date that next weekend.  However, I did feel a little trepidation about how quickly I seemed to be falling for this exciting new guy.  Especially since I had broken up with someone literally 2 days before!  I didn't want another mess of a relationship on my hands so soon after the previous one had been washed away.  That, and I wasn't so sure I could trust myself to make the right decision.  But I prayed long and hard about it all that week and came to the conclusion that I was in a good place.  I am extremely grateful for that and all the spiritual confirmations I continued to receive along the way.  

After our first couple dates I KNEW I was going to marry Kyler.  There was a moment.  A fraction of a second. When I was looking into Kyler's eyes I received a download of information on my future.  I felt very strongly that of course it was always going to be my choice if I wanted to marry him or someone else, but my relationship with Kyler was going to be a very special one, with it's own set of unique challenges and extraordinary blessings.  If I chose to share eternity with him then I was promised that it would be crazy good - (equal parts crazy and good).  If I waited to find someone else, then that would be good too, but it would be a different life entirely.  I had a choice.  and I chose Kyler.

After all, who could pass up a glorious challenge?  Not this girl.

Everything I felt has come true by the way.  I never doubted that it would.  I have, at times, second-guessed my decision. but then I just think back to all the blessings that we have and will share together and I repent of my lack of faith.

(picture taken July 2011)

Stay tuned for the next exciting installment ....

In a state of Pondering

I am going to share with you my experiences with finding my "Inner Space" - no, not like InnerSpace with Dennis Quaid and Martin Short . . . that was just a weird movie, I mean the place in your mind where you meditate.

In this place, the whole world just doesn't exist. It's quite relaxing and oftentimes enlightening, because, in the moments when in the inner space, I learn more about myself than I've ever been consciously aware of.

In the moment I am going to talk about today, I was riding in a GMC Jimmy on my way back from St. George. The weather was taking a turn for nasty, but I was completely safe in my mind. I wouldn't say I was unaware of the circumstances around me, but I was completely unconcerned with them. I had been singing earlier and that often helps me to relax and sink into the inner recesses of my mind. Also, I was listening to Jack Johnson on the ride back and that does a lot too.

But the most influential element of the ride, that brought on this meditative state, was the car ride itself.

I always like silence when in a car. There's something about the constantly changing scenery, the sound and movement of the car, the lack of pressure to be doing anything or worrying about anything (unless my sister is driving! Haha jk Kathy) anyway, all this just puts me in a trance. And the best part about it is that it Feels soooo good! I'm like a baby who goes to sleep in seconds because it is just so comfortable to be in a car. In fact, I often go to my car when I need to concentrate on something. . . or just sit in my car and feel happy.

How many people feel this way, I don't know. Not many, so I've found. Of course if you do you should comment on this and let me know. :)

So, now I am going to move on the substantial portion of this post - and that is what I've learned about the Inner Space.

First - It is a real place. I can move in and out of it like a room in my head.

Second - It is a construct (like in the matrix! hehe). I can change anything I want, imagine anything I want, and everything that I create becomes it's own reality. relatively unaffected by the outside world.

and Third - It's Me. It is more me than I am. I've found that what I imagine, and what I change or desire to change, happens because it's the real Me that is doing it. For example, I got a free mp3 once from something called the Silva Method (silvamethod.com) that was all about bettering your health through meditation. Which is all well and good, but it doesn't work for me to have somebody else's voice in my ears telling how to change myself when I can tell myself any of that and more with my own inner voice. It's more effective for me when it is a personal journey - and hey! what can be more personal than Myself?!

The journey of my life has been to find myself, with steps taken to become as I am supposed to be. The Me that God wants me to be. Turning and returning to my inner space to learn about that person and make the necessary changes.

Take a look inside and you'll see what I mean.

-Becky

Recent Poetry by Becky

An empty mind inside my head – a view not worth keeping but not letting go – behind me are many places I have never really been to and in front of me the sky is full of nothing to do – Let me fall into that abyss – let me fall because I cannot float here in limbo any longer – the past haunts me and the future is a silent, mysterious darkness – I hate to be inside and I hate to be out in the cold – Fearful of scarcity and resentful of abundance – taking without thought and giving without purpose – Hands in stone and feet on clay – basking in a speck of light – daring to speak out but flinching to listen – This place in me has no words – this place in me lacks image and color – this time is wasted before it has a chance to exist – once I had life, I think . . . – I think I remember that you were there – What happened to that memory? – What did I do to lose it?! - My brain boils with anger – I hate myself – The safest hate and the most destructive - my pride burns me and makes me coarse – like cinders in a pit of rocks - a pit in my mind - an empty mind.